Each Time....

What do I tell him? You chose someone else over your family? Daddy died in the war? Give you respect or give him the truth. How can I explain to a 3 year old, why he went to living with his dad and seeing him every day of his life to once a week if he is lucky? Daddy is too busy chasing ass, drinking, doing things he has no business doing. Each time he asks me, I am unsure of what to say to him. I hate lying to my son. He deserves better than this. He deserves to have a father, a good one. The one you used to be. He hasn't had you for too long. His first year of life, you were so high on your shit, you couldn't even remember he was alive half the time. I stuck by you then, raised him alone, each time you promising me it was the last time...it never was. Finally the drugs ended. I was so proud of you, I couldn't of been more happier. I married you, made our family complete. Then you choose random girls, over us. If it's not drugs tearing you down, it's always something else. Forgiveness is not a word in my vocabulary anymore, it has vanished just like our marriage vows have. My body and heart have become numb to the bullshit you have given me for 6 years. I hope one day, I can trust again and not look at every man as if he is the biggest piece of shit in the world.  All that matters is that one day you will realize your son needs you, I will be Ok. Always am..........

The First Time....

I can remember the day i met him....cold outside, rainy, the chill that day had everyone shaken up. When I looked into his eyes, I knew he would change my life forever. That he did.....Our first son, our first home, our first love. We shared every deep dark secret within months, I let things out that had been hidden in deep dark corner of my soul that I thought would never see light. He got it out of me. When I picked up his phone that day, my hands were shaking, as if my body knew what I was going to see. The lies, the dirty words written to a stranger. Who was she? Where was she at when you needed her? When you had a drug addiction so bad I feared for your life every night? Where was she at when you were incarcerated all of those times? When you cried at night from nightmares of a past that was catching up to you? Did she hold you close to her chest to make sure you were ok, to stop the trembling. Did she feel the pain and hurt pour out of your skin? Or was it just a fling, just for fun? Was she worth 6 years of love being pushed out of a skyscraper window? Was she worth seeing your son once a week, him crying for you before bedtime? Asking "Where's Daddy, mama," everyday until he finally realizes, Daddy is gone until his "weekend." I hate you at times but I know that GOD put you hear to teach me something and that is to be careful who you put your trust in to. Don't open your heart to just anyone, keep your secrets inside. You once were the only man in my life that could keep a smile on my face. It's gone. now i wake everyday for my loves, my children, my souls. I can thank you for our son and the heartache